I would be so happy to run the bake sale tonight that benefits the marching band. I firmly believe it takes a village to raise our kids and I want to be part of that village! I have a couple questions before I “fully” commit. I realize you have a ton on your plate with scheduling the entire volunteer force, but these 10 questions and several follow-up emails shouldn’t take you but 3–7 hours to answer.

What’s with the frown? Give me a chance before you groan in disappointment. Today is the day you receive me, Gift Basket, as a gift from a loved one who, last minute, remembered they were obligated to send you something.

The One Where Everyone Says They’re Thankful For Their Rent-Controlled Apartments

1.Pretty good dancer

2.Feasts on your fears

There I was at McConkey’s Tavern drinking whiskey, minding my own damn business when out of the corner of my eye I saw a bunch of men in uniforms approach me.

They were all nice-like and said, “Hey, Rick, you look strong. Wanna go on a boat ride?”

In retrospect, it was an odd way to frame a party invitation, but what did I know? I was hopped up on whiskey and besides, boats are fun!

You posted: “I need to spend my valuable time composting, feeding the poor, and calling senators. Social Media is such a COLOSSAL waste of time.” #donescrolling #carestoomuch #aboveitallforreal (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿)

It’s a douchebag move, for sure. But what do you do when you want back on?

It’s tempting to chalk up your misstep to a stroke. But this will backfire spectacularly because physical evidence is expected. A speech impediment and paralysis are super grueling to maintain for a lifetime.

So, if a fake stroke is off the table, what can be done?

Can’t find jeans that fit

All jeans are made for women who resemble oddly shaped WNBA players in 6-inch heels. FEMINO works with your brain to produce realistic reactions to clothing that doesn’t fit. Instead of, “I don’t fit these jeans. I’m a failure and need to lose weight.” You instead feel, “These jeans are a fucking joke and only 3 ½ women on the planet can wear them.”

Phase 1: Stir up your sweatpants’ desire

Unfortunately, you’ve already shown deep interest by wearing your sweatpants the entire year, non-stop. Typically, you would want to appear aloof and unattainable, but you cannot turn back time, so press on.

A controversial tactic at this point would be to notice something odd about your sweatpants. Calling attention to a flaw can make your sweatpants insecure, thus making them easier to seduce. “My, my, you do seem to be wearing thin in the crotch.” Or “Have you always been so purple?” Your sweatpants will wallow in self-doubt.

1. The Fucking Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and Easter Bunny.

The amount of time you spend writing in your non-dominant hand on behalf of these fictional slackers should alone earn you a prize. Not to mention the sneaking around at 3:35am to make sure the gifts, money and chocolates are placed without detection. But don’t worry, all your efforts will be met with, “I don’t like this kind,” “Only $1!” or “I wanted it in blue, ” so it’s worth it. Fucking gold star.

Wait no more! It’s your turn, the Baby Boomers, to get the juice.

Hallelujah.

But before you run (don’t trip) to your local pharmacy, college campus or parking lot, read on. Here’s what you need to do to procure the golden serum. It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24.

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, declining retail giants are banking on couples’ thirst to participate in literally anything outside of the house. “We’ve been cooped up together for ten months now,” Dana Cranston from Detroit stated, “If there’s something offered that saves me from listening to him chew or breathe in our kitchen; I’m in!”

Listen, if your husband wants you to take a couple thing-a-ma-bobs off your waist, do it. I sacrificed my tail and voice to hook Eric. You think I didn’t want to scream, “Ursula scares the crap out of me. I give up?” If I can make that sacrifice, you can certainly fit back into your skinny whosits.

1. Coat closet (right corner)

Don’t let the lacrosse sticks and fishing poles scare you away! You can actually use that sporting equipment to your advantage. With eyes closed, both can serve as pleasure rods or as stand-ins for a flat-chested woman.

Drive into a “hot, smoke-filled room with a table and 12 chairs” from the safety of your own car.

Attention all 12 Angry Men circa 1957 fans! It’s time to travel back to the 1950s and become a member of an all-white, old-man jury in real life. Monotony calls, so gather your friends and an elderly acquaintance to provide context and “drive to the courthouse.” Immerse yourself in the tedious world of 12 Angry Men, where you will take part in a “drive-into” experience like no other.

Dear Jaden,

I know it’s been a while since we’ve spoken. Haha! You just left 1 minute and 30 seconds ago 😛. Please forgive this email, but there are some things I need clarity on, relationship-wise. I would have discussed these with you in person, but you were pretty anxious to get home after we had sex. I’ve never seen anyone move so fast! Were you on fire? Haha!

Dear People of Wisconsin,

I would like to address your holiday tradition of eating raw meat sandwiches.

First, allow me to take this opportunity to shine a light on what’s happening vis-a-vis the Earth right now. There is a virus afoot, and you should do everything in your power to avoid landing in the hospital. To that end, dear Wisconsinites, I would like to say, ‘what the fuck,’ in response to hearing you eat uncooked meat at the Yuletide. Might I suggest a cocktail wiener (baked) or some cheese (refrigerated) for your holiday tables? Too tame? Too safe? Too life-sustaining?

Hello, parents of Oakdale High! Here are the instructions and guidelines for your child’s return to Oakdale High School on January 5th.

With the overload of endless advice about how one should be dealing with the chaos in the world, in one’s brain and at one’s Costco (I don’t understand which line to stand behind – blue or green?!), I do believe I may have stumbled, half-assed, into the greatest approach of them all.

The clitoris is a female sex organ present in mammals and ostriches. Its only function is to provide pleasure to women, hyenas, and flightless birds. The Ford F-150 is a pick-up truck that gives you the ability to haul what you need for work or play. The Ford F-150 makes tough tasks look easy.

Dearest Tampon,

Why can’t you grasp that it’s OVER between us? I’ve changed, and now you’re useless to me. No, seriously. My body literally doesn’t need you anymore. I’ve stopped bleeding! This is a kind of freedom that just cannot be bought in the ‘feminine hygiene’ aisle.